Over the weekend I was remembering a number of the students we have known in the past decade and a half.  One of them sprang into my mind and made me reflect a bit.

This young man was blind.  He came by regularly and was very organized in his own way.  He had to be.  One day he returned after a lunch program.  He was frantic.  He was looking for a binder.  He asked me if I had seen one laying around.   As a matter of fact, I had not.   Still he was so intense and worried that I joined him in the search.   After a few minutes he asked me, “Are you sure you haven’t seen a binder lying around someplace?”

I asked him if he could tell me the color of the binder.  That way I could remove all extraneous colors and might come closer to finding something that was easily overlooked.

He exploded: “It’s brown.   I am blind!   Everything is brown to me!”

I almost laughed, but I also understood his point.  Color was not a part of his world.  For him it did not exist.   It was an abstract idea as he could grasp it.

As I drove along I began to think about all the ways we are blind because of the things we can not see.   Each of us, given our lives and the things we encounter as well as the things we do not encounter, leave us blind to things that can not reach through our own defenses, our own forms of blindness.

It just might be that we each ought to ask ourselves what it is that we do not see, which others around us see.

I am concerned about the state of our nation because of the heavy political manipulation at every turn.  This is especially true with education.

In truth everyone wants children to have a good education.  In some ways we have lost our direction because we have made education a means of employment and career.  This has led students and families to assume that the importance and value of an education is to earn a high salary and to be upwardly mobile.  In one sense this has always been a component of the educational system.  In another sense – perhaps a more invaluable one – it should be a means to learn to understand the world around us and to think both critically and creatively.   In these last elements we have lost ground.

The political intrusion into education has also become a problem.  On the one hand we have political leaders who want to encourage students to remain in school and to excel at what they are learning.  This is and can be a laudable effort.  It can also be seen as a means of gaining political ground with parents and perhaps with future voters.

On the other hand we have a political force that is more concerned with keeping an opposing political leader’s message from being disseminated.  The accusations and efforts to use fear and/or bias to keep a message out of the schools is probably doing more damage than anything that might be stated by a political leader in encouraging children to do well in school.

I am troubled as much by the message it transmits to the students: political leaders are evil.   They are to be feared and to be silenced.   And in the end, perhaps the message will be that one should not vote since that would mean having to deal with politics and leaders.

A friend of mine is afraid of our president and what he might do.  I am less worried about what he or any other leader might do and much more concerned with what is being done.  I am more worried about the unintended (?) consequences of the behavior we find in creating such conflict in the schools and classrooms.

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain

I have often thought about the ways in which people – professionals in their own rights – often move from the latest guidance in management, personal development/improvement, etc.   So often this advice comes from an author who elaborates on the ideas between the covers of a book.   The effect is that people are often found to be chasing after one idea or another, one concept or another, until they finally find the one that works.    At least for a time.

I have only been a ‘religious leader’ for the past 25 years.  That tenure pales in the presence of many I know.   What I have to say only bears what witness it may from the experience and observations acquired by me over that quarter of a century.

It does seem to me that often we all find ourselves exhausted and looking for answers to improve our lives either in an interior way or to make ourselves more effective in our given exterior lives.  I am left to wonder if we are not sometimes chasing ideas and improvement out of desperation: the desperation born of a fear of failing and a desperation to avoid this fate.

To refashion ourselves is not necessarily a bad thing.  Much good can come from establishing a new starting point and moving forward.  God’s grace allows for that.   It is a merciful thing.

Yet to be honest with ourselves is to face the fears that we carry so personally and privately.  It is to accept that we may not always be able to find a new way or one that is more effective than what we already have discovered.   It is the need to accept ourselves as we are and to recognize what can be changed and what should not be altered.

I believe there is mercy in this as well.

Why are we here?  What are we in this place to do?   The first is an existential question.   The second is a question of purpose, a matter of vision.

As I have seen it, campus ministry answers the first question by simply being.   That is to say that we exist because there is a need for us, or we would never have come into being in the first place.   It is a matter of human need, answered by human vision, inspired by our faith in Christ, led by the Holy Spirit and called into being by the Creator.

The second is the one that drives us most of the time.  What are we to do?   That is a much more complicated question.  Our mission (our purpose) is multi-faceted.   At the same time it is to represent the church, to represent the Christ who is more than the church.   It is to serve the students and other citizens of the academy and to be a vessel of God’s grace to them and for them.   It is to be a prophetic voice at times, a healing voice at other times.  It is also a means of offering a door for students and others to find access to the church and to ideally find a place there.   Finally it is a place where new clergy might be found.

It seems to me that we are shortsighted when we emphasize any one of these elements and diminish the others.   However it might be that the church itself can not avoid such such ways of weighing value.    We are an institution that must depend on finances in order to operate.   There will always be a finite amount of support.   This is true no matter what might happen to inspire people: there is always a point at which there are just so many dollars available at any point in time!   Thus the ‘bucket’ is never without a bottom and a point beyond which it does not hold any more funds.  A larger bucket might be acquired, but there is a point where that one, too, will be limited.

Rather than focusing on any single aspect of a ministry (number of members, number of clergy recruited, number of people in mission, number of….), it might serve us to consider what is gained by our presence.  That is true in campus ministry or in a soup kitchen in an urban ministry.

My guess is that much of what drives us in our examinations and our common efforts is fear: fear of failure, fear of death, fears born of doubt.   Yet Paul tells us we were not given a spirit of fear, but a spirit of hope.  Hope is that which has not yet come into being.  Once it has become a reality, it is no longer to be hoped for.

What is it that you hope for in your life?  Perhaps we should each ask ourselves that question daily in every part of our lives.

There has been a long lull – over a decade – since a book was published in the United Methodist Church about campus ministry.  This is certainly one measure of how valued these ministries have been over the past 14 or so years.   At the same time it is not a measure of the intrinsic value these ministries offer to the denomination.

Recently a book has been published: To Transform the World, edited by Alice Knotts.  It is a collection of essays on various topics in campus ministry.   The topics are all worthy of reading and reflection and have value for those of other denominations with an interest in campus ministry.

In the next few days I hope to spend some time and space discussing various thoughts this book has raised in my mind.  The thoughts will be mine and not those of any others.   They will represent my own experiences, my own hopes and dreams.

Just as a beginning, let me return to something I raised earlier in this post.   It has been 14 years since a book on campus ministry has been published by the UMC.    We have published countless books on church administration, theology and many other texts.   Each of them has shown where our institutional heart has been, for that is where we chose to invest our money.

It is a question of what is valued.   The church tends to follow the flow of funding.   Therefore it is not surprising that we have chased after the latest thinking and fads in such things as leading congregations, beliefs, etc.   Campus ministry is not a fund producer.  It is fund consumer.    Students rarely have extra funds.    They borrow money to make it through their studies.   Many of them also work at jobs either on or off campus to raise money to help support themselves.   So many parents can no longer afford to pay the entire cost – even with grants and schoolarships added!

Any possible return on an investment is deferred and nearly always impossible to track.   Where do the graduates move?   It is easier to find out where they are living, what they are doing for a living, than it is to find out if they have a church home in their current places of residence.   Only a small percentage may make that information available.

The church wants to be present with those who are impoverished.  It wants to be present with those who struggle with health issues.   The church wants to be in outreach to the entire world.    In truth, campus ministries are a part of that world.   No one really doubts that.   Yet we do not fund them as though we believe it.   Frankly, we do not do that for the other outreach ministries either.

That brings me back to my earlier thought: where our institutional heart is, that is where our funds are channeled.   Look around you.   Where are funds channeled in the place where you live?   Is that consistent with where your heart is found?   If there is no inconsistency, then this is probably a good thing.   If it is not, then perhaps we should be asking why.

It appears that my recovery from the treatment of my multiple myeloma has had some success.  Time will be the only true way to measure the success or failure.   For now it is time to return to my work and my more immediate concerns.

The curve I face in beginning the fall term when it is so near and I have been out of place for so long is daunting.   I still lack the energy and strength for a sustained, day-long effort (much less two weeks of this!).  Yet it is clear that it must be done.

A part of the challenge is the schedule we must creat for our activities and what shape the program will take this year.  Another is the scheduling with the university so that we might have access to the space we need from time to time.   Still another is the contacting of students who are frequently like kittens in their ability to scatter and regroup.   I thank the creators of Facebook, without whom this would be nearly insurmountable.

There are also the requirements we must meet for our local judicatory.  There are reports to be generated, accounting of our time and funding, etc.

I have no complaints.  The challenges are what they always have been, just compressed into a tighter window of opportunity.  We will manage.  God always finds a way.

It is just a wonderful thing to be returned to my work and life for this moment.

As I continue to wait for my stem cell harvest to begin, I am drawn back to reflect on our ministry at the Wesley Foundation and specifically to how it has survived the past challenges of start up, the Great Depression, World War II, the Korean War and the Vietnam War.   It has survived the return of veterans during the 1940’s, the confusion of the 1960’s and the subsequent challenges each decade has delivered.

The current economic challenge is a serious one as it comes during a time of change in the mainline denominations.   It comes at a time when people are asking hard questions about the value and use of various forms of ministry including campus ministries.    It also comes at a time when I have to remain apart from the daily operations of my own setting.   It is hard for me to sit here miles away.

This summer is offering additional challenges as we face the time to make ourselves known to the students and parents of the freshman class of 2009.   Yet I can not be there to participate in the ways that are organized for this summer.  I am left to do what I can from a long distance.   Our student assistant is doing the best she can but it is hard when she also has her own summer classes to attend.   She is doing very well and I deeply appreciate all she does for us.

The summer is a time of reduced activity for us, but it is still a time of life and activity.   Almost 80 percent of our work is spent in preparing for the fall and spring terms.  There is much to do and little time in which to accomplish it.

What it has raised to my mind this morning is the awareness of what I will have ahead of me on my return in late July or early August.  It will not be impossible, but it will be a challenge.   Yet the Wesley will continue to be present and it will continue to be the ministry of Methodism at Tarleton State University.   We will be present to make a difference, to offer Christ and to be of service in every way we can find through our resources – no matter how limited they might prove to be.

God provides.   With that simple statement we have nothing to fear or grow weary in facing.

The Wesley at TSU

I am currently waiting for the  “green light” to begin my stem cell harvest and subsequent stem cell transplants.   The delay is my insurance company, who must approve the funds for this to take place.  As they have already approved the transplants, it is only a matter of time.   I am told it should be soon – within the next few days.

This means I am spending a lot of time spending a lot of time.   Waiting has never been my strongest talent although I am capable of waiting for some time when needed.   This is a unique situation: I am waiting hoping to get a quick approval for a process that will not be at all pleasant.  It will challenge me in some new ways.   I am not altogether thrilled by this aspect of the coming weeks.   Yet here I sit, waiting and then waiting some more.

It has caused me to spend some time thinking about the nature of time.  As we experience it, it is something that leaves us anxious in such events.    We want to get underway.  The sooner the better.  We want to be in control and to have all things work according to our own expectations!     No doubt a great part of this is due to the fact that we are finite creatures.  We know there has been a beginning for us and there will most assuredly be an end of us here in this existence.   We want to know that everything will work out.  We want to know.

That brought me to thoughts of God.  I don’t find God having the same problem.   Of course God wouldn’t!

God has no beginning and knows no end.   That essentially means that while time is a linear event for us (we experience growth, change and decay), God experiences it all at the same time.   There is only one moment for God and it encompasses all of time as we know it.   God knew our beginnings and knew our end simultaneously because God was already there in both cases.   God was already already at every moment of our time sandwiched between our creation and our demise!

This has to mean that for God our understanding of time is something quite removed.  How can one who knows all things, has no beginning and no end come to understand what life is like for those of us who are not immortal?

Thus the experience of finitude became something that Jesus could offer to God.   How else could God ever come to understand the meaning of a life with both beginning and end?

As I remain in an attitude of waiting, this gives me encouragement.   God, the Being whose existence and presence is with me every moment, knows what it is like for me to have to wait.   God knows the sense of excitement and fear as I ponder my life and my eventual demise.  God knows – not just the disposition of my existence, but also my present.

So I wait, but I do not do this alone.

I have always known I was a workaholic.   My current situation: waiting for the ‘go’ to begin my stem cell harvest and transplant, having to let others handle the operations of the Wesley, dealing with what business must be dealt with from a distance….it is hard for someone like me.

It is not a matter of trust – if it were I would have never turned things over to my assistant and others to handle.  I know fully well they will handle everything well.  No, the problem is me.  I want to be in the thick of it.   I could never be satisfied as a spectator because I always wanted to be there.   It is the there that always stirs me (I am not a very passive person in some ways).   Heck, I don’t even have to have a leading role – a small one is fine.  I just need to be there!

I love what I do and I hate to be away even for a short time.   That is more than a part of this – it is part of what gives me a sense of hope and fulfillment.   And I will miss it all the more for that.

I know that soon enough I will have my there I will be involved with and that one will be the struggle of my life in every sense of the word.   But we already feel somewhat confident that the results will be good ones.    But I will have plenty to deal with.

Still I know myself well enough that I know I will be wondering and checking regularly with my assistant and others about many, many things!   A part of it might be to assure myself that I am alive.   But a part of it will be that I want more than anything to be there!

And a part of me is aaking me if there is some place in all of this that points to a weakness in my faith?  I hope not.   I do not think so, but I hope not.

Summer is here, it is the beginning of the hurricane season,  a controversial doctor was assassinated in the choir of a church on Sunday morning, the last survivor of the Titanic has died and I just learned a French airliner has apparently been lost over the Atlantic in a tropical storm.   Somehow it is a very busy day and not entirely one I would choose for those involved.   In truth I am not sure I want to hear of these things, but there they are.

We do not get to choose the days and lives we are living.  The events that unfold around us are not ours to choose.  We rarely may name the things that roll over us like a steam roller or a wave of life’s forces.   We are either squeezed or tumbled over and over until we find ourselves able to recover our feet and once again stand.

This is somehow wrapped into a reflection of Pentecost for me.   Resurrection is an exciting thing and the Easter story will never be eclipsed for the joy and hope it brings to us.   Even so there is something about the happenings of Pentecost: the description of God’s sudden appearance, the way in which so many suddenly found their voices and the ways in which others suddenly heard the news in voices, in unexpected languages from unlikely persons.

I think it is the immediacy of the event and the presence of God in the lives of “just plain folks” who did not expect anything unusual on that day.   What happened was beyond their expectations.   A steam roller came through the walls of everyday and suddenly they spoke in ways they could not, just the day before.    A wave of life rolled out of nowhere and those who heard began to hear in their own languages, from people who apparently did not know those languages.  Something very profound happened.

It is an interesting threesome: God, the speakers and those who heard.

Sometimes I think we get so caught up in the story of that event that we relegate it to a tale of history – something that happened once and once having happened, it is told and retold until its power is lost in all but the telling!   Something more must be involved.

So I look to today.   So much has happened.  What is God telling me?  What am I hearing?   What about you?